Still Shaky

The last couple weeks have been up and down. Well, mostly down, but there have been brief times, for a couple hours or so, when I feel alright. This is probably due to the nurse at my new doctor's office taking me off my meds. I haven't gotten to see the doctor yet, he's backed up for two months, which is pretty ridiculous IMO. It's been almost two years and I still haven't gotten any relief, and this is why.

Well, I saw who I thought was their nurse practitioner to at least get refills on some meds I was running out of. Instead she ended up taking me off half of them, and down on the dosage of the others. I realized later that day she hadn't mentioned what to do about the ritalin, seeing as she didn't give me a refill for it. I called the office and talked to her and she said to just come off of it. That's NOT something you generally do with a controlled substance, especially since I had been taking two tablets a day and I only had four tablets left--no room to taper down the dose. Had she asked how many I had left, she might have changed her mind, but she didn't even ask. Which is why I'm thinking she's not even a nurse practitioner.

Last weekend was particularly bad...I didn't do any homework, I didn't practice singing, hell, I didn't even play video games much. I mostly slept, or just sat on the couch and watched TV like a zombie. I say like a zombie because I really wasn't watching TV for enjoyment, just to pass the time in hopes that my depression would let up. Same with the sleeping. I at least studied for my A&P test on tuesday, and today I got myself to classes at least. I'm just afraid my grades will suffer, and that not practicing or putting in the effort to do well in my classes will give my professors a bad image of myself. When I'm feeling normal, it's easy to do my homework, practice, or do anything else for that matter. The only problem is, I rarely ever feel normal.

The thing with my chest seems to be getting worse. It seems to be happening more often at least, and possibly more intensely. My chest gets tight on the left side, it feels like I'm not getting enough air, and I get dizzy/lightheaded. It's strange, because it almost seems to coincide with my depression. Whenever the chest thing gets bad, it's like I can't feel emotions--I don't enjoy playing video games or watching TV. I don't feel sadness, happiness--the only thing I feel is my chest...it's like stress, maybe anxiety...but whatever it is, it feels bad.

I'm seeing a new physician next month, so hopefully he will come up with some ideas. And as always, hopefully I will last until then.

Maybe I was wrong...

I had my first class (Anatomy and Physiology) on Thursday, and a vocal lesson today, and I have to say--so far I'm feeling pretty good. It could just be that I rented a bunch of movies and a video game, spending every last dime I had, but perhaps there is some psychological aspect to my depression. A few days ago, I actually remembered how great playing WoW had been--I even wanted to play it again. That feeling didn't last for long, but at least I know that I can still feel it.

If I take the time to relax and focus my mind, I can make the depression wane--sometimes even subside. The moment I go back to doing what I was doing however, it comes back. Obviously I can't spend every day for the rest of my life meditating (perhaps if I joined a monastery...), but perhaps there is something I can do to improve my brain's subconscious mechanics--whatever it does when I'm doing other things like school or work. Hopefully what ever damage was done to cause the depression (if any) is not permanent, and I can eventually feel the way I used to. My only fear is that science and medicine are not yet to the point where they can help me, or even figure out what is wrong with me.

Not feeling to well

I'm not sure I can go on much longer. I called the doctor's office that I'm trying to get an appointment with, but they still haven't verified my insurance, so I have to wait til the end of the week, then try again, then MAYBE I'll get an appointment a couple weeks after that. I don't know if I can make it to the end of this week let alone another three weeks. I could go to the hospital, but kettering has that doctor that lied to me, giving me a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder behind my back. That leaves miami valley, but I don't think they're that good of a hospital. Besides, what are they going to do, keep me there for months while they try in vain to find a medication that works? I don't think that would stop me from killing myself anyways. I could always bite my tongue off in the shower, hang myself with the bed sheets, or just grab my head and twist it to break my neck.

My auditions are coming up in a couple days, which is further adding to the stress and frustration. I think I will have to cancel, after all the work I put in to get things rolling...that makes me want to kill myself right there. I don't know what to do...I just don't know what to do. Doctor's offices are backed up for weeks and I need to see someone now.

It's been awhile

Seeing as my last post was in april, I figured I would post an update on things.

A month or so ago I decided to go back to college this fall. My doctor (who's practice closed on me (this is a second one not the first)) put me on ritalin to help with concentration, memory, and energy. I was feeling better for awhile, so that's why I decided to go back to college. The reason I say WAS feeling better, is because I'm not now. I had to find a third doctor since my second doctor's practice closed down, same as the first. Just today I missed my appointment, which means it will probably be another week before I can even see her, let alone start a new medication and start to feel better.

For awhile now I've been feeling a lump in my throat, tightness/pain in my chest, and have had a mild cough off and on. I saw my general physician about it three times, each time she said there wasn't anything she could do. They did an EGD and chest x-ray and nothing showed up. It's at least not a tumor or lung cancer, but I believe it could be bronchitis or something autoimmune, that wouldn't show up on an x-ray or an EGD. Hopefully eventually I will find a doctor who will do a bronchoscopy to check my lungs and bronchial tubes for damage/inflammation. I had a sleep study done and mentioned it to the doctor there, and he said it was probably my uvula swelling up. I laughed. For one, my uvula is nowhere near where I feel the lump (down around my collarbone), and also my uvula did not appear swollen to the doctor, yet I was feeling the lump right then. I mentioned it again at a followup, and that time he said it was probably acid reflux. I know I have acid reflux, but I'm still doubtful that could cause the feeling of a lump in my throat.

Anyways, everything is still on for college this fall, so hopefully I will start feeling better by then. I decided to switch majors again, this time to music, since it is something I really enjoy. I'll be majoring in vocal, minoring in piano. There's a couple auditions, as well as theory testing to see if I have to take intro to music theory. The auditions called for me to sing two classical style songs, with accompaniment, so I decided on Danny Boy, which I had already been writing an arrangement for, and Un Amore Per Sempre. I decided to write my own piano accompaniment for them rather than try to find songs that were in a good key for me. That is all finished, so all I have to do now is practice. I figure I'll record the songs, so I can listen to the recording and determine what parts to work on, and how to sing them so that it sounds best. I also ordered another irish whistle, a bass in the key of G. I'll play it in the intro and for a short solo in the middle. I figure it will garner me some attention from the instructors. Hopefully someone there will hear that I wrote the accompaniment, and will have some composing work for me.

For now, I just hope I start feeling better soon. It's gets hard some times not to think about suicide. I just hope college isn't too much for me to handle.

Fatty Liver

My endocrinologist was concerned that I might have fatty liver, so she scheduled a liver ultrasound. I went to the hospital and found out it was scheduled at a different hospital, but I found out I didn't need it after all since my CT scan showed fatty liver. My doctor's office had told me that my CT scan was normal, so naturally I was pissed. This was only compounded by the fact that the only reason my endocrinologist scheduled the liver ultrasound was because my doctor's office hadn't faxed over the CT scan results.

Found out my cortisol levels were normal, so it's not Cushing's. Now I'm back at square one. I asked the doctor's office if I should quit taking my Cymbalta, because it can cause inflammation of the liver or hepatitis leading to cirrhosis if left unchecked. He told me to keep taking it. Obviously he wasn't concerned about my fatty liver since he didn't tell me about it. I am concerned, however, because I haven't been feeling well--I've been tired, somewhat nauseated, and just generally bad. It can be caused by obesity, but how am I supposed to lose weight if I am tired, nauseated, and feeling like shit?

I noticed that on the cortisol test it showed my creatinine levels were high. This can be indicative of kidney disease, which can be caused by hepatitis, which can cause fatty liver. The endocrinologist seems unconcerned by the fatty liver or high creatinine. They were supposed to go over my test results with me on the phone, but they never called when they said they would. I had to call them the next day and ask, and they didn't seem to know what they were doing. The nurse I talked to just read that the endocrinologist said my cortisol was normal, but she didn't go over the fatty liver or high creatinine. I scheduled another appointment, but it isn't for another month. The one with my other doctor isn't for another month or so either.

The endocrinologist at least did a hepatitis panel, so hopefully if it is hepatitis they will do something about it. I don't trust them to call me with the results, since the other doctor's office never told me about the fatty liver on my CT scan. I'm going to sign a release so the lab will mail the results to me. If they show hepatitis, you can bet your ass I'll be calling the doctor's office about it.

If it isn't hepatitis, then I'm not sure what I'll do. I've got to lose weight, but it's hard to get out and exercise when you're tired, in pain, and feel like shit. Eating right is probably the only option, but my mom is not very good about buying and fixing healthy foods. I'm not very good about eating less either, since when I feel terrible all I want to do is eat.

I'm back on testosterone, but that takes up to two months to work, and I've only been on it for two weeks. Hopefully that will get me feeling good enough to exercise and lose weight. I'm just afraid that even if I lose weight, I'll still feel terrible. I find it hard to believe that being overweight could make me feel so bad. There's plenty of people that weigh 300 pounds and feel fine, or at least good enough to work and have a normal life. Besides, I was losing weight before the December this all started--I was down to 240! And before that when I was 280-290, I didn't feel the way I do now. If I'm right, and this isn't about my weight, then all the work I do getting to a healthy body weight will be for nothing. I suppose I can't let that be an excuse--I've just got to lose weight anyways, even if it is for nothing. At least then we will know that my weight was not the problem. But what then? Would we just be back to thinking it's psychological? I tried ECT, I tried medications, I tried therapy, but they don't work. I'm tired of having to waiting a month or two each time we try something new. I'm tired of feeling terrible. It's been a year and a half, we should have had answers by now. I'm losing what little hope I have left.

I Composed.

So I finally got around to composing an intro for a police drama, as both an assignment from a composer I've been in touch with, and to include in a portfolio for prospective employers. I've got to say, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I already had the melody in my head--something I came up with spur of the moment. The hard part was getting it to sound the way it does in my head. It's not exactly as I imagined--I discovered some random city noises like gunshots (only in LA), explosions (hopefully not), screeching tires, sirens, and helicopters. I used the gunshots and explosions as the drumline, adding the other noises in on the off-beat. It really makes you feel like you're in the city as you listen. I'm not quite sure if I'm done with it yet (granted it sounds great as it is), it's currently only strings as the melody. I might add some brass to accent parts, and maybe record some clarinet over the strings as the melody. I'm hoping to finish it up in about a week (the first five days will be spent playing the game I just rented).

EDIT: Decided to leave it as it is. It's on Youtube, here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNkyFkzSsXg

As for the depression, I just finished several tests today. Mostly bloodwork, along with an ACTH Stimulation test. They measure my cortisol levels before and after administration of ACTH, which should double the cortisol level. I felt a bit strange when they injected the ACTH...it was similar to how I felt when this all started...when I went into the hospital in December. It was a sort of heavy feeling in your chest...definitely not related to emotions, and certainly not pleasant. It only lasted maybe 30 seconds--after that, I felt fine. I felt even better this evening, though now not so great. Getting these feelings from the ACTH have strengthened my resolve, since the feeling I got when they injected the ACTH was so similar to the way I feel on my bad days. I can only hope that the test results show something, because my personal experience and expertise (I think I know myself better than anyone) seem to hold little weight with doctors. You would think that an IQ of 143 would give some respect for my thoughts and opinions :/

Either way, I am now more confident than ever that the depression-like feeling I've been having is NOT psychological, but rather hormonal. It's always good to know you're not crazy. No matter how many doctors I have to see before I get the right treatment/diagnosis, I am confident I will have the strength to ride this out. There is so much I want to do with my life that one lifetime is not enough. Now does that sound like a depressed person to you?

I'm getting tired of this.

I'm getting really tired of taking other people's shit. I bought a saxophone and coronet off of ebay--the saxophone was supposed to be a Conn Opus, but after I paid I tried to look that model up and couldn't find it on Conn's website. I sent them a message within a few hours of paying asking them to verify, and for a refund if it isn't a Conn. 3-4 days later I still hadn't heard from them, so I opened a case with ebay. As soon as I did that, I get a message from them with the tracking number, which doesn't work. They still didn't say anything about whether the saxophone is a Conn or not. They replied to the case saying they contacted me within a day of my message, which is a flat out lie. Ebay covers the full purchase price plus original shipping, but that leaves return shipping. I'm not paying $30 because this seller committed fraud, that's going to be their responsibility. I'll have to wait until it gets here to make sure the sax isn't what they said it is, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do after that. I'm not paying return shipping, that's just wrong. Unfortunately there probably won't be any other option.

It's been more than a week since I saw my doctor last, and we still haven't gotten the supplements he suggested. On Sunday my mom said we could go tomorrow, but then the next day she said she had to take a nap, so now we're going to have to go tomorrow.

I'm taking extra pills to try and relieve my pain and frustration. I took about 7 dicyclomine just now--part of me hopes I don't die, the other part doesn't really care. I think the second one is slowly taking over.