My Depression

Still Shaky

2010-09-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

The last couple weeks have been up and down. Well, mostly down, but there have been brief times, for a couple hours or so, when I feel alright. This is probably due to the nurse at my new doctor's office taking me off my meds. I haven't gotten to see the doctor yet, he's backed up for two months, which is pretty ridiculous IMO. It's been almost two years and I still haven't gotten any relief, and this is why.

Well, I saw who I thought was their nurse practitioner to at least get refills on some meds I was running out of. Instead she ended up taking me off half of them, and down on the dosage of the others. I realized later that day she hadn't mentioned what to do about the ritalin, seeing as she didn't give me a refill for it. I called the office and talked to her and she said to just come off of it. That's NOT something you generally do with a controlled substance, especially since I had been taking two tablets a day and I only had four tablets left--no room to taper down the dose. Had she asked how many I had left, she might have changed her mind, but she didn't even ask. Which is why I'm thinking she's not even a nurse practitioner.

Last weekend was particularly bad...I didn't do any homework, I didn't practice singing, hell, I didn't even play video games much. I mostly slept, or just sat on the couch and watched TV like a zombie. I say like a zombie because I really wasn't watching TV for enjoyment, just to pass the time in hopes that my depression would let up. Same with the sleeping. I at least studied for my A&P test on tuesday, and today I got myself to classes at least. I'm just afraid my grades will suffer, and that not practicing or putting in the effort to do well in my classes will give my professors a bad image of myself. When I'm feeling normal, it's easy to do my homework, practice, or do anything else for that matter. The only problem is, I rarely ever feel normal.

The thing with my chest seems to be getting worse. It seems to be happening more often at least, and possibly more intensely. My chest gets tight on the left side, it feels like I'm not getting enough air, and I get dizzy/lightheaded. It's strange, because it almost seems to coincide with my depression. Whenever the chest thing gets bad, it's like I can't feel emotions--I don't enjoy playing video games or watching TV. I don't feel sadness, happiness--the only thing I feel is my chest...it's like stress, maybe anxiety...but whatever it is, it feels bad.

I'm seeing a new physician next month, so hopefully he will come up with some ideas. And as always, hopefully I will last until then.

Maybe I was wrong...

2010-09-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

I had my first class (Anatomy and Physiology) on Thursday, and a vocal lesson today, and I have to say--so far I'm feeling pretty good. It could just be that I rented a bunch of movies and a video game, spending every last dime I had, but perhaps there is some psychological aspect to my depression. A few days ago, I actually remembered how great playing WoW had been--I even wanted to play it again. That feeling didn't last for long, but at least I know that I can still feel it.

If I take the time to relax and focus my mind, I can make the depression wane--sometimes even subside. The moment I go back to doing what I was doing however, it comes back. Obviously I can't spend every day for the rest of my life meditating (perhaps if I joined a monastery...), but perhaps there is something I can do to improve my brain's subconscious mechanics--whatever it does when I'm doing other things like school or work. Hopefully what ever damage was done to cause the depression (if any) is not permanent, and I can eventually feel the way I used to. My only fear is that science and medicine are not yet to the point where they can help me, or even figure out what is wrong with me.

Not feeling to well

2010-08-23T14:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure I can go on much longer. I called the doctor's office that I'm trying to get an appointment with, but they still haven't verified my insurance, so I have to wait til the end of the week, then try again, then MAYBE I'll get an appointment a couple weeks after that. I don't know if I can make it to the end of this week let alone another three weeks. I could go to the hospital, but kettering has that doctor that lied to me, giving me a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder behind my back. That leaves miami valley, but I don't think they're that good of a hospital. Besides, what are they going to do, keep me there for months while they try in vain to find a medication that works? I don't think that would stop me from killing myself anyways. I could always bite my tongue off in the shower, hang myself with the bed sheets, or just grab my head and twist it to break my neck.

My auditions are coming up in a couple days, which is further adding to the stress and frustration. I think I will have to cancel, after all the work I put in to get things rolling...that makes me want to kill myself right there. I don't know what to do...I just don't know what to do. Doctor's offices are backed up for weeks and I need to see someone now.

It's been awhile

2010-08-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

Seeing as my last post was in april, I figured I would post an update on things.

A month or so ago I decided to go back to college this fall. My doctor (who's practice closed on me (this is a second one not the first)) put me on ritalin to help with concentration, memory, and energy. I was feeling better for awhile, so that's why I decided to go back to college. The reason I say WAS feeling better, is because I'm not now. I had to find a third doctor since my second doctor's practice closed down, same as the first. Just today I missed my appointment, which means it will probably be another week before I can even see her, let alone start a new medication and start to feel better.

For awhile now I've been feeling a lump in my throat, tightness/pain in my chest, and have had a mild cough off and on. I saw my general physician about it three times, each time she said there wasn't anything she could do. They did an EGD and chest x-ray and nothing showed up. It's at least not a tumor or lung cancer, but I believe it could be bronchitis or something autoimmune, that wouldn't show up on an x-ray or an EGD. Hopefully eventually I will find a doctor who will do a bronchoscopy to check my lungs and bronchial tubes for damage/inflammation. I had a sleep study done and mentioned it to the doctor there, and he said it was probably my uvula swelling up. I laughed. For one, my uvula is nowhere near where I feel the lump (down around my collarbone), and also my uvula did not appear swollen to the doctor, yet I was feeling the lump right then. I mentioned it again at a followup, and that time he said it was probably acid reflux. I know I have acid reflux, but I'm still doubtful that could cause the feeling of a lump in my throat.

Anyways, everything is still on for college this fall, so hopefully I will start feeling better by then. I decided to switch majors again, this time to music, since it is something I really enjoy. I'll be majoring in vocal, minoring in piano. There's a couple auditions, as well as theory testing to see if I have to take intro to music theory. The auditions called for me to sing two classical style songs, with accompaniment, so I decided on Danny Boy, which I had already been writing an arrangement for, and Un Amore Per Sempre. I decided to write my own piano accompaniment for them rather than try to find songs that were in a good key for me. That is all finished, so all I have to do now is practice. I figure I'll record the songs, so I can listen to the recording and determine what parts to work on, and how to sing them so that it sounds best. I also ordered another irish whistle, a bass in the key of G. I'll play it in the intro and for a short solo in the middle. I figure it will garner me some attention from the instructors. Hopefully someone there will hear that I wrote the accompaniment, and will have some composing work for me.

For now, I just hope I start feeling better soon. It's gets hard some times not to think about suicide. I just hope college isn't too much for me to handle.

Fatty Liver

2010-04-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

My endocrinologist was concerned that I might have fatty liver, so she scheduled a liver ultrasound. I went to the hospital and found out it was scheduled at a different hospital, but I found out I didn't need it after all since my CT scan showed fatty liver. My doctor's office had told me that my CT scan was normal, so naturally I was pissed. This was only compounded by the fact that the only reason my endocrinologist scheduled the liver ultrasound was because my doctor's office hadn't faxed over the CT scan results.

Found out my cortisol levels were normal, so it's not Cushing's. Now I'm back at square one. I asked the doctor's office if I should quit taking my Cymbalta, because it can cause inflammation of the liver or hepatitis leading to cirrhosis if left unchecked. He told me to keep taking it. Obviously he wasn't concerned about my fatty liver since he didn't tell me about it. I am concerned, however, because I haven't been feeling well--I've been tired, somewhat nauseated, and just generally bad. It can be caused by obesity, but how am I supposed to lose weight if I am tired, nauseated, and feeling like shit?

I noticed that on the cortisol test it showed my creatinine levels were high. This can be indicative of kidney disease, which can be caused by hepatitis, which can cause fatty liver. The endocrinologist seems unconcerned by the fatty liver or high creatinine. They were supposed to go over my test results with me on the phone, but they never called when they said they would. I had to call them the next day and ask, and they didn't seem to know what they were doing. The nurse I talked to just read that the endocrinologist said my cortisol was normal, but she didn't go over the fatty liver or high creatinine. I scheduled another appointment, but it isn't for another month. The one with my other doctor isn't for another month or so either.

The endocrinologist at least did a hepatitis panel, so hopefully if it is hepatitis they will do something about it. I don't trust them to call me with the results, since the other doctor's office never told me about the fatty liver on my CT scan. I'm going to sign a release so the lab will mail the results to me. If they show hepatitis, you can bet your ass I'll be calling the doctor's office about it.

If it isn't hepatitis, then I'm not sure what I'll do. I've got to lose weight, but it's hard to get out and exercise when you're tired, in pain, and feel like shit. Eating right is probably the only option, but my mom is not very good about buying and fixing healthy foods. I'm not very good about eating less either, since when I feel terrible all I want to do is eat.

I'm back on testosterone, but that takes up to two months to work, and I've only been on it for two weeks. Hopefully that will get me feeling good enough to exercise and lose weight. I'm just afraid that even if I lose weight, I'll still feel terrible. I find it hard to believe that being overweight could make me feel so bad. There's plenty of people that weigh 300 pounds and feel fine, or at least good enough to work and have a normal life. Besides, I was losing weight before the December this all started--I was down to 240! And before that when I was 280-290, I didn't feel the way I do now. If I'm right, and this isn't about my weight, then all the work I do getting to a healthy body weight will be for nothing. I suppose I can't let that be an excuse--I've just got to lose weight anyways, even if it is for nothing. At least then we will know that my weight was not the problem. But what then? Would we just be back to thinking it's psychological? I tried ECT, I tried medications, I tried therapy, but they don't work. I'm tired of having to waiting a month or two each time we try something new. I'm tired of feeling terrible. It's been a year and a half, we should have had answers by now. I'm losing what little hope I have left.

I Composed.

2010-03-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

So I finally got around to composing an intro for a police drama, as both an assignment from a composer I've been in touch with, and to include in a portfolio for prospective employers. I've got to say, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I already had the melody in my head--something I came up with spur of the moment. The hard part was getting it to sound the way it does in my head. It's not exactly as I imagined--I discovered some random city noises like gunshots (only in LA), explosions (hopefully not), screeching tires, sirens, and helicopters. I used the gunshots and explosions as the drumline, adding the other noises in on the off-beat. It really makes you feel like you're in the city as you listen. I'm not quite sure if I'm done with it yet (granted it sounds great as it is), it's currently only strings as the melody. I might add some brass to accent parts, and maybe record some clarinet over the strings as the melody. I'm hoping to finish it up in about a week (the first five days will be spent playing the game I just rented).

EDIT: Decided to leave it as it is. It's on Youtube, here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNkyFkzSsXg

As for the depression, I just finished several tests today. Mostly bloodwork, along with an ACTH Stimulation test. They measure my cortisol levels before and after administration of ACTH, which should double the cortisol level. I felt a bit strange when they injected the ACTH...it was similar to how I felt when this all started...when I went into the hospital in December. It was a sort of heavy feeling in your chest...definitely not related to emotions, and certainly not pleasant. It only lasted maybe 30 seconds--after that, I felt fine. I felt even better this evening, though now not so great. Getting these feelings from the ACTH have strengthened my resolve, since the feeling I got when they injected the ACTH was so similar to the way I feel on my bad days. I can only hope that the test results show something, because my personal experience and expertise (I think I know myself better than anyone) seem to hold little weight with doctors. You would think that an IQ of 143 would give some respect for my thoughts and opinions :/

Either way, I am now more confident than ever that the depression-like feeling I've been having is NOT psychological, but rather hormonal. It's always good to know you're not crazy. No matter how many doctors I have to see before I get the right treatment/diagnosis, I am confident I will have the strength to ride this out. There is so much I want to do with my life that one lifetime is not enough. Now does that sound like a depressed person to you?

I'm getting tired of this.

2010-02-01T21:56:00.001-08:00

I'm getting really tired of taking other people's shit. I bought a saxophone and coronet off of ebay--the saxophone was supposed to be a Conn Opus, but after I paid I tried to look that model up and couldn't find it on Conn's website. I sent them a message within a few hours of paying asking them to verify, and for a refund if it isn't a Conn. 3-4 days later I still hadn't heard from them, so I opened a case with ebay. As soon as I did that, I get a message from them with the tracking number, which doesn't work. They still didn't say anything about whether the saxophone is a Conn or not. They replied to the case saying they contacted me within a day of my message, which is a flat out lie. Ebay covers the full purchase price plus original shipping, but that leaves return shipping. I'm not paying $30 because this seller committed fraud, that's going to be their responsibility. I'll have to wait until it gets here to make sure the sax isn't what they said it is, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do after that. I'm not paying return shipping, that's just wrong. Unfortunately there probably won't be any other option.

It's been more than a week since I saw my doctor last, and we still haven't gotten the supplements he suggested. On Sunday my mom said we could go tomorrow, but then the next day she said she had to take a nap, so now we're going to have to go tomorrow.

I'm taking extra pills to try and relieve my pain and frustration. I took about 7 dicyclomine just now--part of me hopes I don't die, the other part doesn't really care. I think the second one is slowly taking over.

Poem

2010-01-27T21:25:00.000-08:00

Just a poem I wrote one night lying in bed trying to get to sleep.

What does it mean, to be alive?
If my heart beats, am I alive?
If my mind can reason, am I alive?
What does it mean, to be human?
If I am in the form of a man, am I human?
If I feel pain, am I human?
Without love, can one truly live?
It is said that love defines us; makes us who we are
If that is true, then I am nothing
For though my heart beats, it beats for no one
I cannot die, for I am already dead.

Making Progress

2010-01-23T14:40:00.001-08:00

I saw my doctor a couple days ago to go over the results of the latest tests. Raising the dosages of my medications didn't seem to do much--in fact my epinephrine and norepinephrine(adrenaline/noradrenaline) levels were even lower than before. My DHEA level had gone down to 650 or so, so it's unlikely that it has been causing my symptoms. My cortisol, dopamine, and serotonin levels were slightly higher but still not in the normal range, and I'm already at the maximum dosage.

My doctor added an additional diagnosis of depression due to adrenal fatigue. He had a few more blood tests done, including cortisol and ACTH levels. He also ordered a CT scan of my abdomen (probably to check my adrenal glands) and an MRI of my head (probably to check my hypothalamus/pituitary).

He's having me try a few NeuroScience supplements, adrecor and travacor I think, and one other. He said that the problem is that I don't produce enough brain chemicals to begin with, and that antidepressants won't work. I'm not sure I agree with this, since most antidepressants block the reuptake of brain chemicals, thereby increasing their levels. Either way, they don't appear to work for me.

I've found that adrenal fatigue isn't a very widely accepted diagnosis. Adrenal insufficiency is an accepted condition similar to adrenal fatigue, which is treated usually by administering hydrocortisone. My doctor didn't seem to want to do that for some reason, making it sound like it was dangerous, though I can't see why. Hopefully the blood tests I took yesterday will convince him otherwise.

BOTTOM LINE: DON'T LET YOUR DOCTOR TREAT YOU WITH ANTIDEPRESSANTS WITHOUT TESTING FOR OTHER CAUSES OF DEPRESSION. When I went into the hospital a little over a year ago, the doctors did absolutely no testing whatsoever. I had been branded mentally ill, so they locked me in the psych ward to suffer. When I went back to my old doctor, the only testing he did was some sort of psychological survey that told me what I already knew: That I was depressed. Never once did they test my hormone levels, neurotransmitter levels, or adrenal function to find out why. Once again they assumed it was psychological and not physical, and treated me with Electroconvulsive therapy, which caused memory loss and impaired cognition that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Not to mention I spent 8 months of my life suffering when we could have been making progress towards finding a treatment.

Things aren't going well.

2010-01-06T20:52:00.000-08:00

I've been getting worse it seems. I used to have okay days, but now it seems like every day is a bad day. My anger is getting out of control. It's taking every ounce of strength I have to keep from kicking in doors and throwing things across the room whenever something frustrating happens. I have an appointment with my doctor in a week, and this time I'm not going to let him just increase my medications. I can't last another two months while waiting for a medication dosage increase to not work. I probably won't last another two weeks.

New Year.

2010-01-01T18:27:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over, and it's a new year. It's been a year now since my problems started. I've only got one more year of medical insurance--my dental and vision insurance has run out. I don't think I can last another year, though. I've got another appointment on the 6th. Hopefully the results for the second round of tests will be in, and I can have some answers. I won't see my doctor for another couple weeks after that, so regardless of the test results I will have to wait at least another 2 weeks before I even have the possibility of getting relief. Here's hoping he doesn't just increase my medications again.

To make things worse, I've got a pain in my lower left side, like my intestines are in a knot. I'm hoping it's nothing serious, but I guess I don't really care. I guess it would be a good thing if I died from it, as I wouldn't have to kill myself.

It's getting even harder to get any enjoyment from things, if you could even call it that. I've been through at least a dozen games, but I haven't finished a single one. I get tired of them within hours, and switch to another game. Mostly though I just watch TV--playing games just takes too much effort for it to be worth it.

I'm getting so desperate that a few days ago, I took a considerable amount of robitussin in hopes of getting high--hopefully making the pain go away, or at least be manageable. It didn't help much.

New Video

2009-12-20T15:28:00.001-08:00

I just finished recording a cover of Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley--check it out!

I just got done with another round of tests a few days ago. It'll probably be a couple of weeks till the results come in. I'm hoping they will show my doctor that my medication isn't doing anything, and that he'll pursue other treatments and diagnosis.

We are what we eat...no wait, that's not quite right.

2009-12-05T11:28:00.000-08:00

This...experience...has changed me--for better or for worse I can't say. My views on life are entirely different now, from God has a plan, to God is dead (or at least unconscious). I still hope the latter is not true, but I'm not holding my breath, or drinking the magic Kool-Aid.

While I had hoped the ECTs would help, I also secretly hoped that they would completely erase my memory. I figured if our experiences make us who we are, then erasing my memory would allow me to start over--to be a completely different person, hopefully without this depression, or whatever it may be.

While the ECTs have had a noticeable effect on my memory, it's mostly just forgetting what I had for lunch yesterday rather than forgetting who I am. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. It's not easy to escape the past, especially when it has made you what you are today.

Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way. Instead of trying to change who I am, I should be trying to change who I will become. After all, we have no control over the past, but the future--that's a different story. If I can't get rid of my past experiences, then maybe I can use my future experiences to make me into the person I'd rather be.

Update

2009-10-31T18:52:00.000-07:00

Figure I should give an update on my depression since my last couple posts were off topic.

I saw my doctor a couple weeks ago to go over the results of the various tests he had done. They found that four of my brain chemicals were low--Serotonin, Dopamine, Epinephrine, and Norepinephrine I believe. He decided to increase the dosage of two of my medicines.

Although I didn't agree with him raising my dosages, I didn't want to make it so that he wouldn't treat me, so I tried to get him to do something more. I said that I didn't think the change I saw last December could be explained. He asked what had changed, and I told him how I felt (I thought I had told him before...). I said that before, I would get sadness associated with my depression, but now I don't feel sadness, or happiness for that matter. I also told him that I had been on an even higher dose than what he raised it to of one of my medicines, and that it didn't seem to have much effect. Despite my concerns, he didn't offer up any other course of action or explanation, so I'll have to just wait it out for another 6 weeks.

On top of that, it seems like I'm feeling worse since he increased the dose. We (me and my mom) called his office and told them our concerns, and they said they would leave him a note. I hate to do this due to the fact that if I don't stay on this dose for the six weeks he prescribed, we can't say definitively that increasing the medications didn't help. I'm hoping that after these six weeks are up, we will do the tests again like he said we would, and they show virtually no change in the levels of my brain chemicals. If they showed a slight increase, he might choose to increase the medications again and have me wait another 6 weeks. I'm tired of waiting.

I have yet to get an MRI done as he wanted. Their office hasn't called me to say the insurance approved it...hopefully they're working on it like I asked. I never got a copy of the test results either, so it's hard to research my condition or rule things out. I'm thinking Cushing's Syndrome might fit, but I'm not sure what my level of Cortisol was. An MRI would likely rule out Cushing's, unless it is paraneoplastic.

So hopefully the next round of tests will show that my medications aren't working, and my doctor will start looking for an alternative explanation/treatment. But even in ideal circumstances, I've got another 2 months of waiting to do (4 weeks until I see him again, 4 weeks until they do more tests and get the results). Maybe I should get Netflix.

Vincent

2009-10-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

I finished recording and editing Vincent a couple weeks ago. It's not quite perfect, but I wanted to get it done so I could have something to play for my therapist. He suggested I work on my music projects, so I did, and here's the result. I didn't have the time to make my own background music, so I used a karaoke version I found on iTunes and added a guitar solo before the last verse. I'm thinking of going back later once I get the equipment I need and replacing the music with my own, possibly adding cello and violin as well.

Props to Karaoke - Ameritz for their rendition of Vincent. Whatever the opposite of props is to iTunes for botching the ProSound Studio Band version (it popped and crackled).

Funny Pics

2009-10-12T14:47:00.000-07:00

Going to see if I can't use these in a web signature.

Moving Along

2009-10-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

Slowly but surely. It's getting closer to my appointment with my new doctor, where we will go over the results from all the tests they've done. I hope they find something, and can fix it. I'm not quite sure what I'll do if they don't. I know I can't hold a job like this, and certainly not go forward in a forensic anthropology career. I might be able to make it if I can just make music for a living. If I was a composer or something similar, I could work around my bouts of depression.

I've been feeling like shit lately, both physically and mentally. I tried going off one of my meds a week ago, and didn't think I felt any worse, but my mom thought I was more moody, so yesterday I started taking them again. I've just been having headaches and nausea for the past few days. I thought I was getting something like the flu, but that was more than a week ago. I keep thinking I have cancer or something. In some cases that would be considered a symptom--fear of imminent death. Plus, if I had cancer I would have had an increased white blood cell count, and when they did lab work a couple months ago, that was normal.

Part of me hopes and wishes I had cancer. Cancer is something you can test for, something you can see. Maybe that would get people to respect me. Depression you can't see. All people have to go on is your word, and despite what I say, they don't listen. I would have thought telling them that I'd rather die than live like this would have changed their opinions, but it seems they still think I'm exaggerating.

US Postal Service

2009-09-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

So I ordered a clip-on guitar pickup (it's like a microphone) a couple weeks ago, and Saturday I received an envelope with an empty torn plastic package, and a note stapled to it. It basically said "sorry, we lost your shit". So now I've got to go through the process of trying to get my money back from the store I bought it from, since the post office isn't giving me jack. I told them I could describe the item to them and asked if they could look for it, but the guy basically told me no. I guess I've got to wait even longer now to start recording music. -_-

Ugly

2009-09-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

I found this story on an imageboard website under the topic "You cry you lose." Suffice to say, I lost.
_______________________
I've been getting help in finding a job through Goodwill Easter Seals and Capabilities. Not much has changed as far as the depression goes. Not sure if I mentioned it, but my Nurse Specialist (Mark Curtis) didn't do a damn thing last time I saw him, instead he told me I needed to find a job. I've decided not to see him again, and instead, I'm going to a place in Springboro; some kind of mind and body wellness center. It will most likely be awhile before I actually see a doctor (a couple weeks - that's awhile for me), so I'm hoping finding a job takes a good couple months. I just don't see how I'm going to be able to make myself go in to work feeling as bad as I do. This might be my only chance, and if things go poorly, I blame Mark Curtis and my mom. I knew I wasn't ready for this, but they forced me into it anyways. It seems like nobody trusts me when I say I feel too bad to keep a job. They seem to think that since I'm on three different medications, my depression should be manageable. Well, they're wrong.

During my last appointment with him, Mark Curtis said that medication-wise, we've done all we can. Seems like a stupid thing to say to someone who hasn't killed himself yet because he's holding onto the hope that there is something out there that will make things better. Well, I'm losing my grip. I can't hold on much longer.

I probably should have waited to post until I felt better. I'm feeling particularly bad right now, and it's hard to stay positive. I just hope we find something soon.

EDIT: I forgot to mention, I just got a new microphone and mixer, so hopefully soon I can make a couple videos and upload them to youtube. I'm in need of a decent webcam though; mine won't record sound. I suppose I could record the sound and video separate and combine them, but they might not match up.

Microsoft Boycott

2009-07-29T17:05:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to boycott Microsoft due to the fact that I can't get free support for something I paid over $200 for. My Windows Media Player is for some reason unable to check for updates, and the setup file for Media Player 11 that I downloaded from Microsoft is unable to run because "The procedure entry point Byte could not be located in the dynamic link library KERNEL32.dll", whatever that means. They want $59 to pay for support that would probably exist of them telling me I need Windows Vista or this new Windows 7. Well they can't have $59, but they can have my 2 cents. CHARGING MONEY FOR SUPPORT IS CRIMINAL. Let alone charging more than the product you're getting support for cost.

Now I obviously can't quit using windows, since I'm attached to my computer like a Siamese twin. But I won't be buying the new Windows, or anything else Microsoft related for that matter. Oh and my Xbox 360 is attached to me as well. So I guess that makes us Siamese triplets?

Since this post is about my depression, I suppose I should talk about that a little. I've quit getting ECT. The doctor wanted to keep giving me more and more treatments, but I had enough. 14 is enough for me. They might have helped a little, but whatever benefit they gave is gone now. Along with a large chunk of my memory. I can't remember much of what has happened in the last year or so. At least I remember how to play the piano and guitar.

So now that I've tried ECT and realized it wasn't going to work, what is left for me to do? Well I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but I believe that the medication Geodon, that I was on for Bipolar Disorder, has caused this new depression. Doctor Barclay at Kettering Hospital told me this, and took me off of it. (Later I discovered that his report had no mention of this, and actually diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder, which I DO NOT have. It seems to me that he was only telling me what I wanted to hear, and that he thought I was faking this depression, something I find highly offensive.) I decided to look Geodon up on Wikipedia, in case there was any useful information there. I discovered that one of the side effects caused by Geodon was Akathisia. Having no idea what Akathisia was, I looked that up as well, and discovered that it fits the symptoms I am discribing very well. Not to mention one of the treatments is vitamin B6, so I don't even need a doctor to treat it. I've been taking it for a couple days now with no improvement, but I'm hopeful that I will start to see a change. If not, I can always try and convince my doctor to prescribe one of the other treatments: Tranquillizers. Mmmmmm. Tranquillizers.

A Beautiful Song

2009-07-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

This song is entitled "The Best is Yet to Come", sung by Aoife Ní Fhearraigh and composed by Rika Muranaka.

Origional lyrics in Gaelic:

An cuimhin leat an grá crá croí an ghrá
Níl anois ach ceol na h-oíche táim sioraí i ngrá

Leannáin le smál
Leannáin le smál

Lig leis agus beidh leat
Lig leis agus beidh grá

Culmhne leat an t-am
Nuair a bhí tú sásta
An culmhne leat an t-am
Nuair a bhí tú ag gáire

Tá an saol iontach má chreideann tú ann
Tug aghaidi ar an saol is sonas sioraí inár measc

Céard a tharla do na laethanta sin
Céard a tharla do na h-oícheanta sin

an culmhin leat an t-am
Nuair a bhí tú faol bhrón
An cuimhin leat an t-am

Go sioraí sileadh na ndeor an ormsa nó orainne a bhí an locht
Ag mothú caiite s'ar fán

Cén fáth an t-achrann is sileadh na ndeor
Tá áilleacht sa saol

Má chuardaíonn tú e
Tá gliondar sa saol cuardaimís e

Translation to English:

Do you remember love
The heartbreak of love?
Nothing now but music of the night
I am forever in love

A lover with a fault
A lover with a fault

Allow it and you will have it
Allow it and love will be

Do you remember the time
When you were satisfied?
Do you remember the time
When you were laughing?

The world is wonderful
if you believe in it
Turn your face towards life
and constant hapiness in our midst

What happened to those days?
What happened to those nights?
Do you remember the time
When you were sorrowful?

Do you remember the time
Forever crying tears?
Was it me or you at fault?

Feeling used and lost
Why the fighting and
crying of tears?

There is beauty in the world
If you seek it out

There is joyous wonder in the world
Let's seek it out
__________________________

I'm not quite sure I got the stanzas correct on the Gaelic lyrics, but if you listen to the song it shouldn't matter.

I want this song to be played at my funeral, whenever that may be. The lyrics are so fitting for me, and the song isn't sad, either. It seems sad at first, but then it becomes more uplifting. This is a fan translation, I should mention. It was said that the origional translation by Konami (the publisher of the video game this song was in) was incorrect. In the origional translation, "the best is yet to come" was one of the lines of the song. If this song were played at my funeral, it would be like telling my friends and family that the best is yet to come, and hopefully they would find that comforting.
__________________________

So far the ECTs have gone off without any major side-effects. Well, my tongue does have a numb spot on the tip now for some reason, but I can deal with that. The memory loss started to become apparent after we switched over to bi-lateral stimulation, which is where the electrodes (which are like square adhesive pads) are placed on opposite sides of your forhead. This method of stimulation has been proven to be more effective, but also comes with a greater chance of side-effects. Like I said, the memory loss associated with ECT has become apparent now that we switched, but it's not really a problem since I'm not taking classes right now (nor have I been for awhile in-case I hadn't mentioned it). In fact, I don't think i've been taking classes since my stay in the hospital the week before last Christmas.

I've had 14 treatments to date, one every monday and friday, each requiring general anesthesia. I had thought that people normally get 12 treatments, but I think he wanted to do a few more since we only recently switched to the bi-lateral stimulation. Emphasis on 'think' (lol memory loss). Right now I'm in Myrtle Beach, taking a break for a week, but I have two more scheduled for the week I get back.

To be completely honest, I really don't think that the ECTs will make a difference, at least not enough to get me functioning again. The only reason I'm going through with them is because I know that if I don't, people will blame that for the reason that I'm not better. They seem to think that I want to just sit on my ass and watch TV or play computer games, and giving up on ECT in their minds would prove them right. So my only option now is finishing out these last few treatments.

I've been putting a great deal of thought into what my options are, and there aren't many. There's plenty of things I'd like to do, like become a forensic anthropologist, or being a singer. Seeing a pamphlet here in Myrtle Beach for an animal preserve where you can pet and hold baby tigers and apes gave me the idea of working there for the rest of my life. As long as they would give me a place to sleep and food to eat, I could spend my life taking care of animals, which is something I could definitely do, despite my depression. I want to be famous. I want to make a difference. Maybe like Mother Theresa. Ok maybe not quite like Mother Theresa, but I want to be remembered for what a kind-hearted person I was when I'm gone. If nothing else, I at least want to be remembered.

ECT

2009-06-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

So just a quick update:
I've been getting Electroconvulsive Therapy every Monday and Friday now for the past three weeks. I think I just had treatment #7. They normally do around 8-12 depending on whether or not I show improvement, which I haven't. I think I'll end up doing 12 anyways. We're going to try and get some temporary insurance until I can get on welfare or whatever they call it. I'm not sure how much more I can take though. It's already hard enough just to play my video games. I'm certainly not enjoying them. It's still not as bad as it was last Christmas, but if it ever gets that bad again, I've told myself I would end it right then and there. I'm just hoping it doesn't come to that.

Am I selfish?

2009-04-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

I had another session with my therapist today and he wanted me to see that I was being selfish for not going to school and relying on my parents for support. I told him that if I ever get better I'd pay back every single penny my parents spent on me, but of course he says it's not about the money. But what is it about? Aside from whatever emotional strain I'm putting on them, the only other burden on them is having to pay for my medical care. So what is it really about?

I think a lot of it is expectations. Every person has certain expectations to live up to. For some it might be becoming a doctor, if you live in a family full of doctors. For me it's going to school and supporting myself. So is it selfish of me to not live up to other people's expectations? Maybe it's selfish of them for having those expectations.

I get a lot of flak for having these kinds of points of view. People argue that I make things out to be the way I want them. But to me it seems like all they want is for things to be the way they want them. Hell, doesn't everybody? If they offered up a scenario that didn't suit their needs, maybe I'd be more inclined to believe it. But they make me out to be selfish, and say that I won't go to school because I don't want to, not because I can't. This benefits them because it means I can go to school, I just have to make myself, and if I don't, all the blame rests solely on me and not the depression.

What if I were paralyzed from the neck down? How would I support myself then? Would I be selfish because I would have to rely on others for support? Would they still expect me to go to school? Maybe the comparison between paralysis and depression is a stretch. After all, there is nothing physically preventing me from going to school. It's just that this pain or whatever you want to call it is just so bad, going to school would only make me more miserable. I know what it's like to feel normal, and I know that when you're normal, going to school is easy. But my therapist says I'm acting like a child, not wanting to go to school. I can see his point. I don't want to go to school because it's hard for me now with the depression. Children don't want to go to school because they don't like it. They would rather stay at home playing video games or watching TV. Wait a minute, I don't want to go because it's hard for me, children don't go because they don't like it? Aren't those two things different?

The main difference between me and a child is that I know how important school is, and that I can't just stay at home playing video games my entire life. I want to go to school, I want my own house, a job, a life. But I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to live my whole life feeling like this. Maybe I can make myself go to school, but it won't change a thing. It won't make my life worth living. Why can't they see that? Am I selfish for not wanting to be miserable my whole life?

My therapist said suicide is a selfish act. I agree. But like I said before, everyone is selfish. It's how the human species has survived all these years. Self preservation. Suicide is a way to end a person's pain. So then by that logic, taking a painkiller is selfish. Wouldn't you agree?

Electric Cars

2009-04-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

Shai Agassi, founder and CEO of Better Place, has an interesting but problem riddled idea involving electric cars. Watch the video here.

His idea about electric cars with pay as you go plans leaves out many drawbacks. They plan on installing 250,000 charge stations in Israel, but how much is this going to cost? It doesn't seem cost efficient at all. The car is supposedly $20,000. My family and I'm sure many other families can't afford that. The electricity supposedly costs as much as gasoline. But is this for the company or for the consumer? If it was for the company, than the cost for the consumer would make it cost more than gasoline. Besides, if the cost is the same, then what motivation is there for people to change from gas to electric?

He says that there's batteries out there that last for 120 miles. I just saw a TV spot on a new electric car with a 6 foot long battery that only lasts for 40 miles. That means that if there actually was a battery that would last for 120 miles, it would have to be ridiculously huge. This battery would not easily be exchanged for a full one at his switch stations. The host asks an important question but doesn't get a useful answer: How much does this battery cost? He says to the consumer it would cost as much as gasoline. But what about to the car companies? Batteries aren't cheap. Especially batteries that don't exist now. This would push costs for the companies way past the profits they could expect to get.

Perhaps the most important issue is the electricity itself. Yes electric cars are clean and have zero emissions. But what about the coal used to produce the electricity? Electric cars don't solve the renewable energy issue at all. You're just going to end up burning more coal to replace the gasoline that cars previously used. So what does the electric car do to combat energy problems? Absolutely nothing.

Don't get me wrong, electric cars are important. Once we switch over to renewable energy like solar power, we would still have gas powered cars creating pollution. Electric cars will then be practical, but right now with our coal burning habits they are completely useless.

Human Nature

2009-04-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

I've come to the realization that every single human being is entirely self motivated. I'm probably not the first person to think this, but it's definitely not a common concept. Hell, I even think Mother Theresa was self motivated. Yep, I said it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that everyone is evil and/or conceited. I just think that it's human nature to be self interested. Even people that volunteer at homeless shelters and the like are getting satisfaction out of helping others. If you went to volunteer at a homeless shelter and got absolutely nothing out of it I doubt you would ever come back.

No doubt even Mother Theresa helped the poor partly because of self interest. She might have claimed her work was done in the name of God, but it was her soul on the line for salvation, according to her beliefs.

This in turn leads me to a startling realization about the people who claim they want to help me with my depression. Their help seems to always center around getting me back to school, and never making me feel better. They seem confident in the notion that going back to school is in my best interest, regardless of how shitty I feel. In truth, they have their own interests in mind. If the therapist can get me back to school, then he's succeeded at his job, at least in his mind. If my parents can get me back to school then they won't have to support me any more, which is obviously good for them.

Me? All I want is to feel better, so that life is worth living again. This will in turn lead to me going back to college, which will make everyone happy. People seem to think that I'm content living like I am now, sitting at home watching TV and playing video games. People think a lot of crazy things. The truth is, I'm not enjoying myself at all. I'm suffering, so much so that I can only take so much more of this. I'm not content with living the rest of my life like this. I would rather die. If push comes to shove, I will make that happen. If I can't be saved, I will kill myself. There, I said it. I'd been avoiding it all this time, but I can't any longer. It almost hurts to say it, but it's true. In two more months they tell me I have to go back to school, but I can't; not like this. That means that in two more months I kill myself.

I Need Some Hope

2009-03-30T23:18:00.000-07:00

I've been diagnosed with depression or a related illness since I was in 5th grade. Back then it was something I could live with. It had not prevented me from going to school, but it did make me more susceptible to the teasing of the other kids. Then it got to the point where I had to take a quarter off of college because I couldn't make myself get up and drive to class in the mornings. I would always feel better in the afternoon, however. After switching prescriptions around I was back in school, but last fall it happened again.

My nurse practitioner prescribed Geodon, a medicine that, unknown to me at the time, was for the treatment of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. I knew by then that I wasn't bipolar and certainly wasn't Schizophrenic, but my Pediatrician had come up with the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder many years ago when I didn't know the difference.

I was on Geodon for about 5 weeks, when my depression started getting worse every day. Eventually it got to the point where one morning, I went to the ER to be admitted to a mental health facility. By then the emotional pain of my depression was more than I could bear. The next morning I talked to a doctor who told me that the Geodon had caused some kind of reaction with the Wellbutrin that I was also on. He might not have favored the word reaction, as he told me that the two medicines just counteracted eachother (Wellbutrin increases Dopamine levels while Geodon decreases them), but I was given the impression that it was some kind of bad reaction. Either way, I was told that I shouldn't have been on the Geodon, and so that morning I was told to stop taking it.

That evening became the worst experience I had ever had my entire life. The depression was now overwhelming. By the time my Mom came to visit me I could not stop crying it hurt so bad. If I had to compare them to anything, I would describe my feelings as the same as a cocaine addict in withdrawl. If I had had a gun, or even a knife, I would not be alive today. I was even thinking about biting off my tongue in the shower. Feelings of guilt over the remorse I would cause my friends and family was the only thing keeping me alive.

The next day I was feeling much better. The uncontrollable crying had stopped, and the pain was not so bad. A couple days later, I was feeling well enough to come home. I was told that it would only get better, but I soon found out that I had been lied to. Next evening, and the evening following that, the crying came back. I had nothing to cry about, yet I could not stop the tears from coming. Thankfully it only lasted those two days; unfortunately, the depression did not go away. Why was it that now instead of feeling normal in the evenings, I was crying uncontrollably?

I'm not very good at remembering things or describing my feelings for that matter, but I knew that my depression was different than before. I no longer felt normal in the evenings, and it felt as though I could no longer experience happiness. It took a few days before I could force myself to play video games again, but even now I feel like I'm not fully enjoying them. Anything to pass the time.

I told myself I could not give up. There are still plenty of medications I haven't tried, and in the worse case, there's Electroconvulsive Therapy and Vagus Nerve Stimulation. But deep inside I know that they won't work; that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. I don't want that kind of life. Without love and happiness, life isn't worth living to me. I need options; a way out.

To make things worse, my insurance, which is through my parents, is only good as long as I go to College fulltime for 5 months out of the year. I figure I've got until this summer before I need to go back to class, or else I won't have insurance anymore, and any options I have will go out the window. Private insurance isn't an option I'm told, and even though the insurance has alternate plans if I can't go to college 5 months out of the year, I'm told that won't work. So I have a deadline. Summer classes start in July I believe, so I only have 3 months left, yet all my nurse practitioner does is increase the dosage of one of my prescriptions and tells me to come back in 3 weeks! I feel like I'm getting nowhere slow.

And that is my story. I have 3 months left. 3 months of waiting. 3 months of hoping for a cure. I would say 3 months of praying, but I gave up on that long ago. Even God can't help me now.